im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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