I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
