but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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