Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
