you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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