I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
