I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
