You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
