just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
