I just pynch a tree in the face
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
