it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
