Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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