i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
