I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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