Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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