3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
