you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
