He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I will be naked everywhere
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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