the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
