He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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