I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
