if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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