Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
