The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
