Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
