This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
