My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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