so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
