I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Two words: nipple clamps
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