mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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