I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
