i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think I have vodka in my lungs
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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