You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
