Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
