I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
