Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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