I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
