all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize