how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
