I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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