John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
