He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
