I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
what day is it and did you see me today?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
