Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
