Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
