Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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