Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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