i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
