Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
