Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
